I was crying, shaking, terrified to go to school. I saw my phone sitting on my desk and thought, “I should text my group to let them know I won’t be in class today.” I picked it up and hit the button. It lights up to reveal my Hanako background image(seen above). Even though I was still crying, I smiled at the sight of her.
I realized we are a bit similar, like I had thought. It’s one of those things that’s as comforting as it is horrible. We’ve both got very different issues that manifest in very similar problems. I never made that connection. The skipping classes has been a bit of a problem for me. Luckily, much like Hanako, some of my professors know about my problems and pretty much don’t mind if I miss frequently.
I just wanted to make a post about the character that is really easy for me to relate to.
I am a super shy person. I know I’ve written it here before. I recently skipped a few classes because my professor kept breaking us up into groups and I kept ending up in the middle of the room by myself, often trying to hide my tears. The thought of interacting with people scared me so much that I’d start to cry on the way to class and kept making up excuses for not going.
Even more recently I had to do a presentation. I was shaking and seeing my legal name up on the projector didn’t make me feel any better. I managed to say a few things and hold in the tears long enough to finish the presentation and run out of the class when I was done.
There is a friend who is concerned for me. She knows that I have very few friends and that I depend on her too much. I’ve made an effort to reach out to other people and stop depending so much on her.
Because I thought it would be good for me I have extended an invitation to visit me to an online friend who has only known me as Theresa. I don’t know if they will do it, and the invitation isn’t for another several months. It’s my first effort to try to be more comfortable with myself. Even if they never visit me, Making that effort and facing the prospect of it I think will be and is good for my emotional well being.
Today, for the first time ever, I allowed a different friend, who also has only known me as Theresa, to hear my voice over the internet. I was scared. Part of me is afraid that when people see me or hear my voice they will stop viewing me as a woman, so I hide behind my computer monitor and I never let anyone know who I was or what I look like. But I decided to let someone in. I trust them. And it wasn’t so bad. They heard my voice and we talked and it was over and I’m glad I did it. The person is kind and made me feel good about my voice.
It was hard but I am making these efforts because they are good for me.