I was sitting in the same hotel I used to hide from my parents when I first came out and I found it funny how many things had gone wrong since then. As some of you know, I had moved back in with my parents in order to live with a girl who I had met online through a mutual friend. We lived together for eight months and then partly due to my emotional problems and partly due to my parents not being accepting of us being trans women, she left.
But she wasn’t happy where she moved and she decided to come back. We planned and waited and I talked to my mom so she could talk to my father, because I had felt uneasy around him ever since my roommie left. Everything was set, we had the plane tickets paid for and everything was well. Except that my mom never talked to my dad about it. She comes in at the last minute and tries to convince me to move the date, which would inconvenience everyone but her and cost me a lot of money.
Then she tells my dad about my roommie’s arrival. He freaks out of course, which my mom stated she didn’t expect. He enters my room while I’m trying to shop for a birthday present for someone online and he starts to speak loudly and angrily at me. He basically rants while misgendering my rommie that she can’t come back and that he doesn’t want her to even come to Brownsville.
That’s the part that scared me. His fear and hatred was so strong that he tried to bar someone from the entire city. What made it worse is that I know that the reason he doesn’t like her is that she reminds him that he’s in denial about having a daughter. I fear that one day he will no longer be able to deny it and he’ll freak out on me. So, I left.
I stayed in one hotel then another and tried to get an apartment. I found one that with just a little help from my mom, I could have afforded. But she decided she would try for a dorm instead because it would be “more convenient”. What it really did was cost us both a lot of money (more than my plan) and now that I’m in it, It’s not that great. I have to share a kitchen with 3 guys (because I’m transgender). My bedroom is tiny and the only plus side to it is that my roommate is tidy and leaves for the weekends which will give me some privacy.
Well, that’s way too much disappointed for one person all at once. When can my life just be simple? Uncomplicated? Maybe a partner, a job and a shitty apartment? Yeah that’d be great. One day please?
I can’t even believe how crazy the past weeks have been. Mostly my life has been continuing it’s rut. Anxiety for my financial aid, which has yet to arrive was increasing and I was beginning to think that it wasn’t coming. But then I got an email from my teacher saying she couldn’t let me attend class anymore. I assumed I’d have to drop out and find something else to do.
That same day my ex-roommie told me she changed her mind and wasn’t coming back. Not sure if I mentioned but she decided to come back, then decided not to, right after I thought I had to drop out.
Later she said she would again and that same day I got a call from the financial aid saying that they put me back in my classes and that my money would be available within a week. That was great news. Everything bad from earlier completely reversed itself, and I was happy.
But it’s all been hectic. and everything else had to continue. School is stressful. My body is frustrating to say the least. and my nights are lonely. It’s a lot to deal with. I started falling apart. Even with the good news recently, things are still hard. I had a breakdown in class and started crying. I had to excuse myself twice. My professor had to ask me if I was alright. I wasn’t, but I held it together for the quiz.
In other news I met someone cool. An online friend of a friend or something. I don’t know what else to say about him. He’s really fun to talk to. In a time in my life when I seem to be losing more friends than gaining them, I’m really happy to have met him.
Anyway, how are you, random couple readers?
Thank you to everyone who left comments or told me in private not to quit. You make it very hard to leave. So I won’t. But I am not back yet. In the mean time I thought you’d like to hear what I’ve been up to:
I was surprised how bad I managed to mess up my relationship. I fell into a depression and my partner looked through my blog to find out what was wrong. She saw the post I made about online cheating. Then she went snooping to find out who it was. Then she found out some other things. One that really hurt her was that I am in love with another woman (though I never intended to do anything about it). She broke up with me. Now we are just friends/roommates.
Got through Gender and History at the same time. Got a B in Gender just because I slacked off. Barely passed history. And I think the reason is that I developed a crush on the smart guy in class so I studied harder so I wouldn’t look stupid in front of him. Otherwise I might have failed. I talked to him a couple times but nothing happened.
I went to therapy for 10 sessions. I found it to be varying levels of helpfulness and one time that felt borderline harmful. I took a break for finals and it remains uncertain whether I’ll go again.
To fight off the depression I’ve been working on various projects. Including starting to learn how to draw by doing a web comic/visual novel called girl.T. I find that art is a really great way to cope with depression. Every time I get sad my pages look better (I think) and they take less time to make. I’ve been depressed for a lot of the last month.
I gave up on presenting male at school. Or presenting anything ever. I’m a girl and I let my clothes reflect that in whatever way I choose whether or not my body decides to cooperate. So far, it’s worked out and I’ve only gotten a couple of funny stares.
Weird Skyrim play through. Maybe more incoming on that once I fully come back. Haven’t been playing much else. Finally did a second play through of No More Heroes 2. Now I am looking forward to a third sometime in the future though.
I was in class, Literature by Women, the topic was Gender. A girl raised her hand and started making her point. Then she started talking about one of her close friends “[something something] boy who used to be a girl.” If I hadn’t become proficient in hiding my emotions it would have become apparent to the entire class that I was very excited to hear it.
As awkward as it will be, I fully intend to make an effort to meet that person. I’m excited and scared at the same time. I was unable to talk to the girl with the trans friend after class. We got let out late and I had to rush across campus. It’s not a terribly large school but finding her would be nearly impossible. I have to wait til Tuesday to talk to her. I honestly have no idea how to proceed. I can not ruin this opportunity. I am really scared that they won’t talk with me. Last time I found a possible trans person I was unable to make contact. I don’t want to repeat that.
Additionally, and possibly as important, I began making calls for a new therapist. The last one certainly did not leave the bar very high. I don’t have an appointment yet but I hope to soon, possibly within the week.
This last week of school has been hectic. I had a presentation, a 10 page paper, and a lot of reading on symbolic interaction. It’s a surprise that I’ve had any time to get depressed but I have. The last story I posted has been getting to me a lot lately. By now it is certain that the person I messaged won’t respond. Being on the internet as often as I am is a constant reminder that I am not getting a response and keeps bringing me down. Lately, I’ve been distracting myself with Mass Effect 2 and New Vegas.
I completely failed at NaNoWriMo. that’s not surprising with such a difficult semester. I also recently submitted a short to a publisher for a collection of literature and I don’t think it has gotten selected. I think I would have heard something by now.