I Fell For My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend (and other personal anecdotes)

It’s not a sentence I thought I would ever get to say. I can’t say I’m happy that it’s true. My life really was a lot simpler when I hated him but I have a habit of making a mess of things.

When she first asked me, I told her she didn’t have to date me, because I thought she was just asking me to be her girlfriend because she was living with me, but she insisted. It was supposed to be just her and I. At least, that’s what she said at first.

Things quickly changed when a pretty girl smiled at her, but there wasn’t any lasting problem until she got back together with her ex-boyfriend.

As I stated, I was not happy with this. I didn’t ask to be in an open relationship, and to make it worse, my girlfriend was now dating her abusive ex, whom I hated.

Our relationship was strained until finally I was forced into interacting with him, and I got to see how he actually treats her. I could tell that he really cared for her, and I eventually stopped hating him.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend really wanted me to be fine with her boyfriend so she kept pushing the subject. At one point while I was not exactly sober she started painting a picture of her and I living together forever, married even, and how he would be living with his wife and occasionally he would come over and that maybe he would like me too and it would be happy. It was in that moment, at my weakest, and feeling more loved than I have ever felt, which is dangerous for a neglected and needy trans girl, that I was finally alright with an open relationship. It even seemed appealing.

The next morning when I realized that not only would he not like me, but that nothing else my girlfriend said that night was true. But the damage was done. I realized I had started to develop feelings for her boyfriend. It reminded me too much of the last time I fell in love(with my best friend’s boyfriend, I don’t remember if I’ve blogged about that one). And just as I was left alone and hurt that time, the same thing happened again.

I tried talking to him a few times. Only to let him know that I didn’t hate him anymore, and maybe also just to talk to him. She knew I liked him and even though the idea of him and I was implanted in my mind by her, she got jealous and told him that I had a crush on him.

I was embarrassed. Humiliated. I haven’t talked to him since. I’m not over the events, and yet since then, my girlfriend broke up with me too. The moral? I have no idea.

Other Personal Anecdotes:

I started selling wands on etsy. I was feeling a little disconnected from other pagans. I thought this might be a nice way to make connections. If any of my readers want to check them out, here is a link(or share the link with your friends):

https://www.etsy.com/shop/NewMoonMagickShop

I’d love some feedback as well. Leave a comment.

In unrelated news, I’ve been playing a bit of Persona 4 Arena, which I’ll be writing about soon, I just want to put in a few more hours. All I’ll say now is that the fighting game portion is pretty great. Also, anyone getting Splatoon?

The 2000 IQ Killjoy Detective - Naoto Shirogane

The 2000 IQ Killjoy Detective – Naoto Shirogane

The past few months

I am 27 years old. I do not have my life together. I just graduated 3 months ago and I’ve already almost been homeless twice since then. The only reason I have not been is because of the charity of others. Right now I’m sitting in a spare bedroom at a relative’s house.

When I arrived I was completely exhausted and really needed time to heal. I had just been forced out of an abusive relationship by forces beyond my control. I had been living in a hotel for quite a while before, never knowing if I’d find enough money to keep my stay there for an extra week. I didn’t get to rest. I had to start working right away to make late payments and buy things I needed. I still have not been able to refill my hormones and I am running out soon but don’t have enough to order more.

It has been 3 weeks since I’ve gotten here and things have finally started to slow down and I have been able to think about my life in the longer term. I only now, after all this time have started getting plans.

I’m trying really hard to figure out my life but I feel completely lost. It is really difficult living only because others let you. I feel like I’m a complete loser. I’m a burden on everyone I know. because of that I never quite feel at home anywhere I go. I don’t fully feel welcome here but I don’t have a home to return to.

I also had to leave all my friends behind when I left Brownsville. And even though I get to spend time with my cousin, I still miss home. The dorms were the closest thing I ever had to a real home and to a family and now it’s gone and I can never return.

Honestly, I really wish I knew how to be an adult. I’m so scared and lost right now.

Dorm Life and Video Games

Personal Stuff:

It almost feels like a completely different life. It’s not very different but it does feel it. It’s a different kind of lonely. I’m not falling asleep on a cramped couch because beds are too empty anymore. Now I sleep in a small-ish bed. Sometimes someone else sleeps in the bed three feet away. I still sit at my computer and hide away only now sometimes there’s people around to talk to.  But I still end up crying with no one noticing.

University itself is a little different. In art I sit at a table with a guy and a girl who I talk to. No one else does that. We just like to talk while we work. It’s nice. Unfortunately the girl is the only one that calls me ‘she’ in the whole class. I found out that she didn’t realize I was transgender right away. I think it was until I mentioned it  which is nice that I passed for that long even working in the same class as someone.

I also met a guy while I was wearing a skirt and then talked about being transgender in response to a question about why I was living in the dorm instead of at home. And then he asked me what pronouns I like. Not in those exact words, but that was the general question. No one had ever done that before. It was really nice of him. Most people just assume I am a guy but he got it, and asked.

It’s weird having a roommate that I’m not super close to. The last two roommates I had I shared a bed with, and etc.  But my new roommie isn’t that kind of roommate and it’s weird. We do talk. And I really really like him. I don’t know the odds but I got really lucky with roommate selection. I could have been in a room with someone who was mean or unaccepting or messy, but instead I got the opposite. He’s nice, and friendly, and he’s accepting of pretty much everything. I wish we could be closer than we are.

But of course I don’t have any close friends. I have classroom acquaintances. And even one girl I met up with for a movie once (and only once). But no close friends. No one to hold me when I’m sad. Or even talk to when I’m upset. Out of 4 people sharing my kitchen/living room, I’m the only one without anything to do on a Friday night.

Video Games:

Unfortunately, I’ve got no money for new video games so my Pokemon obsession intensifies. I really like X. I haven’t enjoyed a Pokemon game this much since Red. I’ve found so many new Pokemon that I like and have never heard of. Like Gardevoir and Honedge/Doublade/Aegislash.

I tried Breeding Pokemon but I discovered that breeding for competitive play is definitely not for me. I was breeding Ralts so I could try to get a shiny Gardevoir (Yes, I know the odds). But then in my third batch of eggs I discovered a Ralts with the Nature ‘Lonely’. I felt so bad that I stopped breeding. I could not release that many Ralts like they were unwanted. I gave that Lonely Ralts a Pokedoll so he won’t be as lonely and I trained him and evolved him into a Gallade. He’s going to help me catch Legendaries. I trained him along side a Jigglypuff (also for catching Legendaries) and his brother who evolved into a Gardevoir.

If any of my readers have been playing Pokemon X/Y, please tell me about your experiences. Or your team or something. I want to know if anyone is still listening.

I suck

I just found out that I am a horrible person and one of my worst fears is simultaneously coming true. I’m so horrible in fact, that it’s causing the other.

It seems I have driven away my roommate. She’s going to stay here til her friend moves her in with him. Then I’ll be alone.

I feel so bad. I tried to be good for her. I tried to give her everything but I have failed.

And I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone. But I’m afraid I’ll have no choice. I’m stuck here until the fall semester ends. There is a chance that she’ll still be here by then but it isn’t likely.

It seems like my emotional problems are so bad, that they drive anyone away.

I have much less friends than I did before. It seems to be counting down now. People I thought were friends don’t seem to care about me. Others don’t seem to be very reachable at all.

I’m not even sure how many friends I have left, but I know that I feel like I only have one close one left. I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest start to leave to.

It’s all falling apart. I swear, I was happy last December. Spending time with a beautiful woman. Brand new video console waiting for me back home. And I was passing for the first time ever in my life. And I had just switched to living as a woman full time after coming out to my parents.

I don’t know how things got this bad.

Mine

I bought this for a very special guy even though I knew I couldn’t give it to him. I had hoped to collar him but his girlfriend said no. I wasn’t trying to steal him away from her; I care a lot about her too and I would never do that to anyone, but I wanted him to be mine too.

I wish I could say I don’t know why I bought it, but my ex told me exactly why even if I didn’t say it. “Because deep inside you hope you can one day.” But now it just sits there empty and it will be empty forever. No one will ever wear it. It’s like torture. I put it on my bed and every time I walk in the room, I see it and it reminds me that he isn’t mine and that he can’t be. I lie down and I place it on my chest and I close my eyes and try not to think about it. And I try not to cry, but I don’t succeed.

Now, it’s back to bed for me. Back to my reminder that he’s not mine, that we can’t be anything more than this.

HNI_0010

Roommie

               It was two or three days before I asked her to move in with me but around five before she actually did and in that time we had discussed what would happen, and where we would go. I let her choose whether or not to move to Brownsville, and she chose to because she wanted to move somewhere soon and it was quicker.

               She had told me exactly what she wanted me to do for her before she even came over. She told me she wanted to sleep in my arms so I had a pillow right beside mine when she arrived. She told me I would need to hug her often because she hadn’t gotten many so I hugged her the moment I had her in my room, and many times since.

               After she arrived, we talked for a while, mostly about her trip and the mutual friend that introduced us. Then during a lull I moved beside her and put my arms around her. I barely let go of her for the next couple days. Both because she had asked me to, and because I needed the affection too.

               She was tired so we went almost straight to bed and fell asleep not long after. We slept a lot those first two days. Her more than me, but I didn’t want to leave her so I neglected everything I could have been doing to hold her in my arms while she slept and she would row over and I’d kiss her cheek and she’d smile.

               We got along really well really fast and things were affectionate from the beginning. I started to care for her quickly. I wanted her to be stay with me, and be more than just my roommate, but she didn’t want that and to this day, I think she is still planning to move away from me some day. But for now, I’m trying to enjoy what time I do have.

               We both have our problems. She gets depressed, as I do, at times. And sometimes she shuts me out. Unfortunately, my issues make me needy for attention and affection. That’s a tough combination. My crying makes her want to hide which makes me cry more. And I think anyone who has read my blog knows how often I cry.

               Several things have made me cry recently. I cried on her our first day here because I was afraid of hurting her, because I was afraid that she would hurt me (by leaving) and because I was afraid that I was no good for her. Even with those reasons, I cry less with her here. She’s actually been good for me, even if she thinks she hasn’t.

               It’s hard to really describe our relationship. She says she doesn’t know how to and doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. She also says that we are, “more than friends” and that we have a “dysfunctional relationship” and she even once called herself my partner, though as part of a weird joke, and later evaded the question when I asked about it.

               I can surely agree with all of that. Our relationship does feel like more than friends, and she is kind of my partner, even if she runs away from the subject at times. I could kind of agree with the dysfunctional, except, it works for us. If it’s dysfunctional, it’s dysfunctional in a completely functional way, if that’s even possible. I don’t think this relationship could work with everyone, but it works for us.

               And now here we are. I am now in a non-committed, undefined, more-than-friends and possibly dysfunctional relationship. But it works for us and I like it.

Life After Denver

        I was home… and for the next several days I complained to anyone who would listen about how I really want to be back in Denver so I could see her again. “How was Alaska?” my family would ask.

        “It was great, but I preferred Denver.” I would respond.

        “Why? What did you like about Denver?” they wondered.

        “The girl I was staying with,” of course.

        I could have filled several blogs with the amount I ranted at people about how great Denver was and how happy she made me, and how badly I wanted to go to back to her.

        Just to be clear. I love Austin. There was a lot of good things for me in Austin. But none of it mattered compared to her.

        I wished I could go back to her but I knew, even if I could afford the airplane tickets, and even if there would be a place to stay in Denver, that she didn’t want to be with me, so I couldn’t have.

        Despite that, encouraging sounding words echoed in my head and delusions lingered and let me hold on to hope that maybe I was wrong, that maybe somehow she would want to be with me. That is, until one night it became clear that I could cling to that hope no more.

        I want to emphasize that I did not ask her out. I didn’t ask her to be with me. Though, I have, in the past, on many occasions asked her to run away with me, to no avail. But that night, she did say something, which I will not repeat here, that made me realize that I had no chance, nor did I ever, nor will I.

        I did not handle that news well. I fell pretty low and proceeded to eat everything I could find. In the course of, maybe an hour, if that, I ate a plate with brisket and ham, and some tamales, 2 slices of pizza, and drank a coke despite the fact that I quit caffeine. Then I sat down on a futon and started crying, burying my face in a pillow so no one could see. Then I ate a bowl of spaghetti.

        After that I lie still, defeated, barely able to move from being too full and too empty at the same time. I reclined against the couch cushion and typed at my laptop. I don’t know why but I turned to her boyfriend. He helped pick me back up even though he knows how I feel about her. And I greatly appreciate that.

        He was not alone in his efforts to lift my spirits. I had met a girl just a few days earlier. She was introduced to me by the very girl who I longed for. She barely knew me but her words may have been exactly what I needed to hear. And for that I am truly grateful.

        I made it through that sad night with their help. Shortly after she cheered me up, we moved in together. That’s what I occupied my mind with. I picked up a few odd jobs to earn enough money to fly her to me. But we had no place to stay, so I met her in Brownsville, where we both live now.

        It has been amazing living with her. Despite some difficulties, our relationship is really special to me. But if I go into all of that, this will run too long so, til next time..

Persona 3 (Gender + Sexuality)

Gender:

I had read about it before and Operation Babe Hunt was the only reason I finished the game. I wanted to see for myself how horrible it really was. In the middle of the game there is a segment where everyone goes to the beach and one of the characters (Junpei) wants to go hit on women at the beach.

The entire scene is supposed to be funny and it’s actually quite short. Maybe that’s why I didn’t find it difficult like the scenes from P4 but more annoying. It’s more a feeling of frustration with the existence of the stereotypes that they are re-enforcing. I am not trying to tell developers what to do, but if you are going to have trans characters, something other than the same negative cliche’s would be nice.

Here’s what happens in the scene: the boys run around hitting on random groups of girls. Of course, they only meet comic failure. Only not quite humorous. The only woman who responds positively to their advancements was the trans woman. That’s where the stereotype painting trans women as sexual deviants/predators comes in. Other than that, they also use a question mark in the name “Beautiful Lady?” which is offensive.

But like I said the scene went by quickly and within the game it was more of a nuisance. It’s just another example of Atlus poorly portraying trans characters. It’s the same type of quick joke that has been done before and likely will be done more. Though, I admit Atlus does seem to be improving with their trans characters. I wouldn’t mind seeing how much they can improve. They make good RPGs and great characters.

All in all, the scene was overshadowed. Because, even thought the reaction from the characters was negative when they discovered that she had a bit of stubble on her face still, and the game didn’t include any option to speak up against your classmates opinions (which would have been nice), just a moment later…

Sexuality:

I saw a girl. I knew right away. She’s the tank they were just mentioning a few scenes back. “OMG, She’s the Tank,” I proclaimed. She instantly became my favorite character of the game. Her name is Aigis and (Spoilers) she is a robot made for killing shadows.

As I’ve said before, I love AIs. For me the prospect of playing out a relationship with a robot was exciting. It drew me in, immediately. Unfortunately, the game makes you wait a long time before you can experience it.

Much of the story for Aigis revolves around her trying to understand what it means to “live” and trying to live. There isn’t any profound revelations from her unless I’ve overlooked something(actually entirely possible). She realizes that she wants to protect you, the main character, and that she loves you.

Toward the end of her story she asks you to touch a delicate component that lies at the base of the neck, behind her bow. She tells you that it will burn some of your genetic information onto the component and then she apologizes if she makes unusual noises. The scene ends with her request, “Will you… untie my ribbon?” It is a very intimate moment even though nothing is shown.

It was a beautiful relationship. It was made even more significant to me by the fact that I made no other effort to date any other of the characters in the game. Although, it was a different kind of relationship that I don’t think the developers intended to be used as a romantic relationship. At least maybe not the way I viewed it. Probably because of the issue of her being a robot. I assume this since the game didn’t prompt me to give her any gifts like it did with other characters. But it definitely was the most meaningful to me.

Digital Relationships:

I almost missed this last storyline in the game. That would have been a shame because it was one I could easily relate to. I thank my friend for pointing out this social link.

Early in the game one of the characters gives you an MMO game to play. For a while I didn’t realize how to play it but near the end of the game I realized I had just overlooked it. You enter the game and are greeted by a girl. You interact with her through the game and she begins complaining about work. After a while you can really feel a closeness. The two seem to care more about each other than the game.

One day you get a note that the server is shutting down because there aren’t enough people. At this point I think it’s just you and her. This is a sad thing to me. It’s an end. That is enough to start to be sad but then you wonder what will happen to the relationship and it’s even sadder. The girl, Maya, devises a strategy to send the company your chat logs so they can see how important the game is to you.

Then the sad parts happen. She changes her mind. The chat logs make her want to refocus her life and she leaves, forever, before the servers even shut down. No exchange of information. No “see you later”. Just, goodbye. But she leaves you a note. She tells you to take a screenshot of it for your phone after she leaves. Then she’s gone. Her note reads, “I LUV U”.

Maybe it’s because of who I am, but it’s one of the sadder things I’ve ever read. Anyone who reads my blog probably knows, I don’t have many RL friends. So, the bonds I make online are very important to me. I care about all my online friends very much. I am grateful for having them. It is a scary thought that they could disappear like that. I went back to my computer several times to see if it would let me try to talk to Maya again. It did not. And I cried (though I had also been depressed at the time).

There is hope however. The girl reveals enough information that you figure out who she is IRL. You don’t get to interact with her until the end of the game. She discovers who you are and starts to freak out. She feels bad for telling you all the things she did. Then she asks you to dinner but runs away.

My friend said that the scene was funny but I just felt the loneliness that I feel everyday. I feel like something is slipping away from the characters and they are just standing there letting it. It’s an empty feeling for me.

Mini Review:

P3, much like P4 which I’ve already reviewed, is a very well crafted RPG. The music is fantastic. The Visuals look nice. The characters are endearing. It starts off very slowly, much like P4, although the characters early on feel weak. None of the social links you can make are very interesting, so even though the game opens right away, it still feels restricting. Once more characters start to be added the game really starts to take off. You get more social links that you actually want to see through to the end, including 2 that I mentioned above. The game also has an intense story with many unexpected surprises. It would be difficult for me to choose a favorite between P3 and P4. I liked them both despite each having some things that bothered me. This game also has become one of the only few games that have made me cry. It is a great journey and I think you should experience it.

(forgive me if this reads awkwardly, I was crying while writing most of it. I’ll come back to check it later.)

Thank You, Everyone.

       Thank you to everyone who left comments or told me in private not to quit. You make it very hard to leave. So I won’t. But I am not back yet. In the mean time I thought you’d like to hear what I’ve been up to:

My relationship:

       I was surprised how bad I managed to mess up my relationship. I fell into a depression and my partner looked through my blog to find out what was wrong. She saw the post I made about online cheating. Then she went snooping to find out who it was. Then she found out some other things. One that really hurt her was that I am in love with another woman (though I never intended to do anything about it). She broke up with me. Now we are just friends/roommates.

School:

       Got through Gender and History at the same time. Got a B in Gender just because I slacked off. Barely passed history. And I think the reason is that I developed a crush on the smart guy in class so I studied harder so I wouldn’t look stupid in front of him. Otherwise I might have failed. I talked to him a couple times but nothing happened.

Therapy:

       I went to therapy for 10 sessions. I found it to be varying levels of helpfulness and one time that felt borderline harmful. I took a break for finals and it remains uncertain whether I’ll go again.

Projects:

       To fight off the depression I’ve been working on various projects. Including starting to learn how to draw by doing a web comic/visual novel called girl.T. I find that art is a really great way to cope with depression. Every time I get sad my pages look better (I think) and they take less time to make. I’ve been depressed for a lot of the last month.

Trans stuff:

       I gave up on presenting male at school. Or presenting anything ever. I’m a girl and I let my clothes reflect that in whatever way I choose whether or not my body decides to cooperate. So far, it’s worked out and I’ve only gotten a couple of funny stares.

Video games:

       Weird Skyrim play through. Maybe more incoming on that once I fully come back. Haven’t been playing much else. Finally did a second play through of No More Heroes 2. Now I am looking forward to a third sometime in the future though.

Cheating Online?

       Is it possible? I have always had limits. There is a line that I can not cross with online interactions. I’ve gotten near that line before but I never crossed it. I do a lot of harmless flirting but never anything serious and never with any real intent. I have one partner who gives me what I need and no one else, not even online.

       Recently, though, someone was able to make me not only cross that line but shatter the boundaries of what I think is appropriate online behavior. I won’t go into the specifics of my actions but I will say that I told the person that I have a partner several times. I stopped things before they moved too far. But the guy charmed me and slowly crossed the barrier. He did so in such a way that I could not help but participate because I liked it.

       I told a few of my friends what I did in detail and the consensus was that I did nothing wrong. That, what I did wasn’t cheating. Even still, I felt bad for doing it. I know that in contrast my partner probably wouldn’t even like the friendly flirting. She has told me before that she thinks I am having affairs with some of the people I meet. Esp. the trans girls. My friends disagree.

       One of those friends told me that nothing online is cheating and that even some stuff offline isn’t cheating. I was a little shocked by this perspective. It differed from my own greatly but it got me thinking about it.

       Then something happened to make it worse. The guy treated me very nicely. The relationship turned a bit sweet. It started to be a little more than just physical. He made me feel like a girl in a way that no one else ever did especially my partner. He started to satisfy my needs that weren’t being met anywhere else.

       Even with that my friends didn’t think I was doing anything wrong. But I was conflicted. Part of me didn’t want to continue this online relationship but I knew that I couldn’t let it go, because he made me feel good.

       I don’t know where I crossed the line, but after I took one step past my own limit I found it easier to move further beyond it. After that, I felt changed. Like something about me would never be the same again. Despite those feelings, I feel it was good for me which points to some other problems but that’s another story. What do you think? Where is the limit? Can you cheat online?