Not Quite a Year Since Coming Out

I was sitting in the same hotel I used to hide from my parents when I first came out and I found it funny how many things had gone wrong since then. As some of you know, I had moved back in with my parents in order to live with a girl who I had met online through a mutual friend. We lived together for eight months and then partly due to my emotional problems and partly due to my parents not being accepting of us being trans women, she left.

But she wasn’t happy where she moved and she decided to come back.  We planned and waited and I talked to my mom so she could talk to my father, because I had felt uneasy around him ever since my roommie left. Everything was set, we had the plane tickets paid for and everything was well. Except that my mom never talked to my dad about it. She comes in at the last minute and tries to convince me to move the date, which would inconvenience everyone but her and cost me a lot of money.

Then she tells my dad about my roommie’s arrival. He freaks out of course, which my mom stated she didn’t expect. He enters my room while I’m trying to shop for a birthday present for someone online and he starts to speak loudly and angrily at me. He basically rants while misgendering my rommie that she can’t come back and that he doesn’t want her to even come to Brownsville.

That’s the part that scared me. His fear and hatred was so strong that he tried to bar someone from the entire city. What made it worse is that I know that the reason he doesn’t like her is that she reminds him that he’s in denial about having a daughter. I fear that one day he will no longer be able to deny it and he’ll freak out on me. So, I left.

I stayed in one hotel then another and tried to get an apartment. I found one that with just a little help from my mom,  I could have afforded. But she decided she would try for a dorm instead because it would be “more convenient”. What it really did was cost us both a lot of money (more than my plan) and now that I’m in it, It’s not that great. I have to share a kitchen with 3 guys (because I’m transgender). My bedroom is tiny and the only plus side to it is that my roommate is tidy and leaves for the weekends which will give me some privacy.

Well,  that’s way too much disappointed for one person all at once. When can my life just be simple? Uncomplicated? Maybe a partner, a job and a shitty apartment? Yeah that’d be great. One day please?

I suck

I just found out that I am a horrible person and one of my worst fears is simultaneously coming true. I’m so horrible in fact, that it’s causing the other.

It seems I have driven away my roommate. She’s going to stay here til her friend moves her in with him. Then I’ll be alone.

I feel so bad. I tried to be good for her. I tried to give her everything but I have failed.

And I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone. But I’m afraid I’ll have no choice. I’m stuck here until the fall semester ends. There is a chance that she’ll still be here by then but it isn’t likely.

It seems like my emotional problems are so bad, that they drive anyone away.

I have much less friends than I did before. It seems to be counting down now. People I thought were friends don’t seem to care about me. Others don’t seem to be very reachable at all.

I’m not even sure how many friends I have left, but I know that I feel like I only have one close one left. I wouldn’t be surprised if the rest start to leave to.

It’s all falling apart. I swear, I was happy last December. Spending time with a beautiful woman. Brand new video console waiting for me back home. And I was passing for the first time ever in my life. And I had just switched to living as a woman full time after coming out to my parents.

I don’t know how things got this bad.

Personal Rant #4

I can’t sleep. I don’t remember if I’ve said that. I haven’t gotten a full nights sleep this entire week. Just naps. Seems like the days just leak together. And I’m tired all the time. I don’t like it. And I’ve been getting really bad thoughts again. Thoughts and urges.

It’s been a pretty rough struggle for me this past week. I don’t know. I’m just really needy, and when I don’t get affection I start to hate myself more and more. I feel really worthless all the time. I feel bad saying it but that’s the truth.

I’ve got nothing else to say this week. I’ve barely left my room since the semester ended.

Personal Rant #3

I was trying out The Old republic when the internet died on me. Kind of annoying but not a horrible thing, until I found out it would be out for a day, still not horrible but I hate being disconnected from my friends. Well, I decided to stay up all night watching movies and playing Chess and then I took a long nap until it would be fixed.

I got a call from the school telling me that I failed a class and wouldn’t graduate until next semester. I hate being woken up. Especially by the school. Especially when they call me ‘sir’ a dozen times. I was really angry and I couldn’t get right back to sleep so I played Burger Time and talked to my ex on the phone to try to figure out what classes I can take next semester. Then I went back to sleep to wait for the cable to be fixed.

Unfortunately no one told me I was supposed to be the one to answer the door. When I walked into the room with the router expecting a new box there, I was disappointed to find the same old one. I glanced at the lights on it and realized it was still broken. Then I got blamed for the delay even though no one told me to answer the door which was annoying as hell.

Additionally, I woke up with my back aching which made it hard to get comfortable at all this week. It hurt for a few days before starting to feel better.

This was also the day that I was feeling very dysphoric and was struggling with very bad thoughts all day. Overall, it was a pretty bad day.

We passed the time by playing lots of Chess and Goldeneye(N64). It was actually very fun even if I had trouble getting comfortable sitting on the floor that day.

Finally, we got back online but my back made it hard to sit at my computer for long. That very special guy that I often mention decided to say some really nice things to me and buy me FTL to try to cheer me up. Just the nice things he said would have been enough but it was also nice to have a new game.

FTL ended up being really fun. I like it a lot. I’ve been watching a lot of Star Trek lately and FTL is almost exactly like playing a Star Trek game. You have to manage your power, control your weapons in combat, and move your crew around if things get damaged. Things can get hectic, but in a good way. The overall concept reminds me of a Sci-fi Oregon Trail, make sure you have enough fuel and equipment to get to your destination, etc, but it’s more complicated.

With my internet back I find myself with a lot of games I can play again. I have a list of MMOs I recently started playing or want to (The Old Republic, Neverwinter, and STO just became a possibility again with my new router).

At a glance I was disappointed to find that The Old Republic seemed like just any other mediocre MMO but then I noticed that the story and the decisions are so much more fun than any normal MMO. The game-play is hardly better than DDO or STO but it manages to interest me because of the cut-scenes and dialog which are very Bioware.

And since I forgot to mention on Friday’s post, the game I’m playing this week is AD&D Pool of Radiance.

Personal Rant #2

I’m sick. I got a cold. It’s not fun. I’ve been just trying to fight the urge to throw up phlegm again. As my roommate told a mutual friend ours (or something similar to these words), “She’s sick. She fashioned a robe out of a blanket and says she might be a Sith Lord. She’s not sure.”

School’s done, and I’m glad to be in the middle of Retro Month. The rest of the month can be used to, first get over my cold while playing a couple arcade games(Burger Time/Paper Boy) and then filling out my resume, and trying to find work. Once I feel better it seems like I will have plenty of time for more gaming this month too.

I’ve been having a lot of fun with this retro month. I enjoy playing games and writing my thoughts about them. Even though I’m not really getting many views, I am probably going to do this again some time but with different themes.

I mentioned that kid who said he loves me last rant. He messaged me earlier this weekend and seemed sorry. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he had a girlfriend now. I was a little disappointed that I was so easily moved on from, especially after he told me he intended on waiting for me. To clarify, I am happy for him, and am glad he’s moving on, and I hadn’t ever planned on dating him, which I’m sure he knew, but I was still a little surprised. I guess it feels really nice to be wanted, it gives me that extra little bit of confidence, especially when no one usually wants me.

For completely different reasons, I’ve been feeling really lonely lately…

That’s it, I guess – nothing else to say about that.

Personal Rant

I actually have no idea what to write so I’m just going to include lots of random anecdotes. Basically, I’m going to ramble.

Mostly, I’ve been worrying about french. I am bad at learning languages but if I pass this class then I can pick up my diploma in a couple weeks. I’m excited, and terrified. And thankful that it’s almost over, and pleading for more time so I can improve my grade. It’s a mixed feelings kinda time in my life right now.

I got drunk for the first time recently, right after finishing a pretty heavy french assignment and turning it in. My roommate was the one who insisted I buy alcohol. And I drank because I have issues that makes it hard to watch others drink. Things got way out of hand so, I will probably be never drinking again. Although my friend seems to think I will be. He might be right. But, I hope not.

This kid has been talking to me lately. I call him a kid but he’s of legal age. After talking with me a few times, (only one of which was a real conversation), he told me that he loves me and that he wants to be with me. I told him I was taken and he was upset.

I have mixed feelings about the whole deal. I am OK being friends with someone who is in love with me but I’m afraid to encourage him to continue to wait for me in hopes of being with me which he said he would do until I was available and liked him. He has been a good friend, except for one moment when he tried to coerce me into cybering with him, which I did not appreciate. He didn’t try it again after I told him that I would have to block him if he kept it up.

This semester with life and school and trans stuff has been so exhausting that I wish I could take a few weeks/couple months off after the semester ends but I know that if I do that, I will have to wait even longer for all the things I really want, like visiting that special guy I’ve mentioned, or helping my friends pay for surgeries and hormones and other trans stuff. So, I will be trying to get a job as soon as the semester ends. A good one, hopefully, now that I have my degree.

As a side note as my rambling comes to an end, the week has just began and I’ve already beaten this week’s game(Ninja Gaiden 2). I’ll let you guess as to whether that’s a good thing.

rambling again (possibly several times now)

I’ve really wanted to spend more time blogging but I don’t quite seem to know how to write. I don’t know what to say. I started therapy and I really want to write about how it’s going better than last time but School started and it’s becoming harder to make time to write anything.

As a side note, I’m really concerned about some of the searches I’m getting. I wrote the words you searched for but in most contexts those words are dangerous. I know you probably won’t come back here, but maybe I hope you didn’t find what you were looking for. Instead I hope you found something that helped you.

I have so much homework but I’ve been in so much pain lately (the emotional kind) that I haven’t been able to concentrate.

I don’t know.