I Fell For My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend (and other personal anecdotes)

It’s not a sentence I thought I would ever get to say. I can’t say I’m happy that it’s true. My life really was a lot simpler when I hated him but I have a habit of making a mess of things.

When she first asked me, I told her she didn’t have to date me, because I thought she was just asking me to be her girlfriend because she was living with me, but she insisted. It was supposed to be just her and I. At least, that’s what she said at first.

Things quickly changed when a pretty girl smiled at her, but there wasn’t any lasting problem until she got back together with her ex-boyfriend.

As I stated, I was not happy with this. I didn’t ask to be in an open relationship, and to make it worse, my girlfriend was now dating her abusive ex, whom I hated.

Our relationship was strained until finally I was forced into interacting with him, and I got to see how he actually treats her. I could tell that he really cared for her, and I eventually stopped hating him.

Unfortunately, my girlfriend really wanted me to be fine with her boyfriend so she kept pushing the subject. At one point while I was not exactly sober she started painting a picture of her and I living together forever, married even, and how he would be living with his wife and occasionally he would come over and that maybe he would like me too and it would be happy. It was in that moment, at my weakest, and feeling more loved than I have ever felt, which is dangerous for a neglected and needy trans girl, that I was finally alright with an open relationship. It even seemed appealing.

The next morning when I realized that not only would he not like me, but that nothing else my girlfriend said that night was true. But the damage was done. I realized I had started to develop feelings for her boyfriend. It reminded me too much of the last time I fell in love(with my best friend’s boyfriend, I don’t remember if I’ve blogged about that one). And just as I was left alone and hurt that time, the same thing happened again.

I tried talking to him a few times. Only to let him know that I didn’t hate him anymore, and maybe also just to talk to him. She knew I liked him and even though the idea of him and I was implanted in my mind by her, she got jealous and told him that I had a crush on him.

I was embarrassed. Humiliated. I haven’t talked to him since. I’m not over the events, and yet since then, my girlfriend broke up with me too. The moral? I have no idea.

Other Personal Anecdotes:

I started selling wands on etsy. I was feeling a little disconnected from other pagans. I thought this might be a nice way to make connections. If any of my readers want to check them out, here is a link(or share the link with your friends):


I’d love some feedback as well. Leave a comment.

In unrelated news, I’ve been playing a bit of Persona 4 Arena, which I’ll be writing about soon, I just want to put in a few more hours. All I’ll say now is that the fighting game portion is pretty great. Also, anyone getting Splatoon?

The 2000 IQ Killjoy Detective - Naoto Shirogane

The 2000 IQ Killjoy Detective – Naoto Shirogane

Shadowrun (plus personal update)

Things aren’t as desperate as they were last time I posted but not incredibly better so I could still use any commissions I can get, either art or writing. If anyone wants to hire me just email or Skype me.

After months of owning it, I finally got a chance to sit down and relax with some Shadowrun Returns. I finished it today and I have to say I am not at all disappointed. Playing a Decker actually wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be. There was only one moment in the game that I enjoyed doing a matrix run and it was partly because I had a team in a fire fight behind my deckers with my men protecting us while we hacked. The story was pretty enjoyable and reminded me a lot of the Genesis Shadowrun (kinda).

Character customization was at about what you’d want as far as stats but if you don’t build a character for combat, then boss battles get a little rough. I decided to ultimately focus on Body, Quickness, Intelligence and Charisma as my stats. And Pistols and decking being my primary skills. I like the talking options that extra charisma gets you, so I usually max that out in games that have it or something like it as an option.

I would definitely recommend Shadowrun Returns for any fans of Shadowrun and anyone looking for a fun turn-based strategy RPG type game.

Need Help

Hey, Readers. Sorry for not being around lately. I haven’t had much to write and I’ve just been struggling with the stress of the end of a school year and a lot of personal drama and problems. I’m not sure if I’ve said this but I did graduate this semester. And now I’m unfortunately trying to raise money so myself and another trans girl don’t become homeless.

I’m taking on art and writing commissions if anyone wants to hire me.

I want to do either simpler art pieces or graffiti art. (samplesample)

I don’t have any writing samples other than this blog.

Comment or contact me via email or skype (listed on my website) if you  want to commission me.

Or if you want to donate my paypal is: osmicow@hotmail.com


Transgender Art








CAM01179 - Copy


I submitted a piece to be displayed in my school’s Juried Student Show, and it was actually selected. It’s an Oil Pastel nude of a trans woman. This is a picture of me in front of it during the opening night for the show.

It was an amazing experience to have a piece in a show.  I didn’t think I would be selected but it was. I got to see how many paintings were submitted and it was a lot of stuff.

I think that is also the first time I’ve shared a photograph of me on this blog.


Dorm Life and Video Games

Personal Stuff:

It almost feels like a completely different life. It’s not very different but it does feel it. It’s a different kind of lonely. I’m not falling asleep on a cramped couch because beds are too empty anymore. Now I sleep in a small-ish bed. Sometimes someone else sleeps in the bed three feet away. I still sit at my computer and hide away only now sometimes there’s people around to talk to.  But I still end up crying with no one noticing.

University itself is a little different. In art I sit at a table with a guy and a girl who I talk to. No one else does that. We just like to talk while we work. It’s nice. Unfortunately the girl is the only one that calls me ‘she’ in the whole class. I found out that she didn’t realize I was transgender right away. I think it was until I mentioned it  which is nice that I passed for that long even working in the same class as someone.

I also met a guy while I was wearing a skirt and then talked about being transgender in response to a question about why I was living in the dorm instead of at home. And then he asked me what pronouns I like. Not in those exact words, but that was the general question. No one had ever done that before. It was really nice of him. Most people just assume I am a guy but he got it, and asked.

It’s weird having a roommate that I’m not super close to. The last two roommates I had I shared a bed with, and etc.  But my new roommie isn’t that kind of roommate and it’s weird. We do talk. And I really really like him. I don’t know the odds but I got really lucky with roommate selection. I could have been in a room with someone who was mean or unaccepting or messy, but instead I got the opposite. He’s nice, and friendly, and he’s accepting of pretty much everything. I wish we could be closer than we are.

But of course I don’t have any close friends. I have classroom acquaintances. And even one girl I met up with for a movie once (and only once). But no close friends. No one to hold me when I’m sad. Or even talk to when I’m upset. Out of 4 people sharing my kitchen/living room, I’m the only one without anything to do on a Friday night.

Video Games:

Unfortunately, I’ve got no money for new video games so my Pokemon obsession intensifies. I really like X. I haven’t enjoyed a Pokemon game this much since Red. I’ve found so many new Pokemon that I like and have never heard of. Like Gardevoir and Honedge/Doublade/Aegislash.

I tried Breeding Pokemon but I discovered that breeding for competitive play is definitely not for me. I was breeding Ralts so I could try to get a shiny Gardevoir (Yes, I know the odds). But then in my third batch of eggs I discovered a Ralts with the Nature ‘Lonely’. I felt so bad that I stopped breeding. I could not release that many Ralts like they were unwanted. I gave that Lonely Ralts a Pokedoll so he won’t be as lonely and I trained him and evolved him into a Gallade. He’s going to help me catch Legendaries. I trained him along side a Jigglypuff (also for catching Legendaries) and his brother who evolved into a Gardevoir.

If any of my readers have been playing Pokemon X/Y, please tell me about your experiences. Or your team or something. I want to know if anyone is still listening.

Not Quite a Year Since Coming Out

I was sitting in the same hotel I used to hide from my parents when I first came out and I found it funny how many things had gone wrong since then. As some of you know, I had moved back in with my parents in order to live with a girl who I had met online through a mutual friend. We lived together for eight months and then partly due to my emotional problems and partly due to my parents not being accepting of us being trans women, she left.

But she wasn’t happy where she moved and she decided to come back.  We planned and waited and I talked to my mom so she could talk to my father, because I had felt uneasy around him ever since my roommie left. Everything was set, we had the plane tickets paid for and everything was well. Except that my mom never talked to my dad about it. She comes in at the last minute and tries to convince me to move the date, which would inconvenience everyone but her and cost me a lot of money.

Then she tells my dad about my roommie’s arrival. He freaks out of course, which my mom stated she didn’t expect. He enters my room while I’m trying to shop for a birthday present for someone online and he starts to speak loudly and angrily at me. He basically rants while misgendering my rommie that she can’t come back and that he doesn’t want her to even come to Brownsville.

That’s the part that scared me. His fear and hatred was so strong that he tried to bar someone from the entire city. What made it worse is that I know that the reason he doesn’t like her is that she reminds him that he’s in denial about having a daughter. I fear that one day he will no longer be able to deny it and he’ll freak out on me. So, I left.

I stayed in one hotel then another and tried to get an apartment. I found one that with just a little help from my mom,  I could have afforded. But she decided she would try for a dorm instead because it would be “more convenient”. What it really did was cost us both a lot of money (more than my plan) and now that I’m in it, It’s not that great. I have to share a kitchen with 3 guys (because I’m transgender). My bedroom is tiny and the only plus side to it is that my roommate is tidy and leaves for the weekends which will give me some privacy.

Well,  that’s way too much disappointed for one person all at once. When can my life just be simple? Uncomplicated? Maybe a partner, a job and a shitty apartment? Yeah that’d be great. One day please?

Personal Stuff

I can’t even believe how crazy the past weeks have been. Mostly my life has been continuing it’s rut. Anxiety for my financial aid, which has yet to arrive was increasing and I was beginning to think that it wasn’t coming. But then I got an email from my teacher saying she couldn’t let me attend class anymore. I assumed I’d have to drop out and find something else to do.

That same day my ex-roommie told me she changed her mind and wasn’t coming back. Not sure if I mentioned but she decided to come back, then decided not to, right after I thought I had to drop out.

Later she said she would again and that same day I got a call from the financial aid saying that they put me back in my classes and that my money would be available within a week. That was great news. Everything bad from earlier completely reversed itself, and I was happy.

But it’s all been hectic. and everything else had to continue. School is stressful. My body is frustrating to say the least. and my nights are lonely. It’s a lot to deal with. I started falling apart. Even with the good news recently, things are still hard. I had a breakdown in class and started crying. I had to excuse myself twice. My professor had to ask me if I was alright. I wasn’t, but I held it together for the quiz.

In other news I met someone cool. An online friend of a friend or something. I don’t know what else to say about him. He’s really fun to talk to. In a time in my life when I seem to be losing more friends than gaining them, I’m really happy to have met him.

Anyway, how are you, random couple readers?

Random Stuff

I can’t believe it’s already been two weeks since she left. Somehow I simultaneously can’t believe it’s only been two weeks.

I spent the first few days coloring and crying. Then after that I’m not even sure. I got into a sort of rut. It felt like all I was doing was waiting for sunrise.  I’d wake up and talk to a few people. Then they’d all go to sleep and I’d have to wait another 8 hours + before the sun came up before sleeping. I started sleeping on the couch too. And not a lot. I seem to sleep in naps every day. rarely more than 4 hours in a row. Most often 2. And even in that short period, I still wake up more than once before finally deciding I can’t fall back to sleep. And it was just that, for a large part of these two weeks, and change.

To make things worse, while I was busy dealing with personal stuff, I have been having trouble with school. I can’t get registered for some reason, I kept running into problems and then registration ended. It didn’t help that the website kept going down the last week of registration. I’m told I can add classes during add/drop week. Which is now. But the website isn’t letting me. So, I need to get that sorted out fast or I’ll have ruined another semester.

I’ve managed to  do some productive stuff so it hasn’t been all a mess. I’ve started working on a new webcomic called T 2.0. It’s a sequel to girl.T but focusing around new characters and with much less pictures of the main character staring into computer screens although there is some of that just at the beginning. I’m trying to get the website set up to display both my comics so the new comic isn’t up at the moment. I’m also working on a visual novel spin off to girl.T following the story of Rachel Nguyen a few years after she broke up with Lara. I didn’t think I would but I did reference Lara in the script for the new novel a couple times and I’m thinking about giving her a short cameo. I’m having fun with both those projects. I didn’t think I would do so much stuff with girl.T. When I first started it, I didn’t even expect a visual novel version but somehow ended up with one.

OK, well, the Gilmore Girls is about to start; I’ve been watching reruns. SO, I’m going to do that now.

She’s Gone Now

I’m alone. My roommate has officially left. I haven’t slept and I’ve spent about the last 12 hours crying, with a few breaks here and there. But it’s ok, I have a thick Ninja Turtles coloring book and a big box of Crayola Crayons. I’ll be alright.

I’m really going to miss her

She’s leaving sooner now. I keep listing off things in my head and remembering new things that I wanted to do but didn’t, or that I’m going to miss.

I regret not taking her to the beach. We live right near it but she’s never seen the shore.

We just beat golden eye and we were going to work through perfect Dark together. I thought it was going to be great but now it won’t happen.

There were so many games that I thought we’d play together. Thing she would show me.

She sings this song. I don’t know it. And I can’t remember the words but she sings it often enough. At first I didn’t like it but now I’m really going to miss the way her voice sounds when she sings it. It sounds different than it does at any other time.

When she first got here she would shake when she was falling asleep. I think she’s gotten comfortable here. She doesn’t shake as much now, if at all. Sometimes she asks me to rub her back while she’s falling asleep. Says it relaxes her. I like doing it. I like feeling like I’m helping her. I don’t have very many days to do it left.

I keep thinking about how sometimes she climbs into bed and holds me and she’s scared, I can tell, and she’s sad, and she cries, and she asks me to take care of her and not to let anything bad happen to her and I say I will, because I mean it. But now how am I supposed to take care of her. How am I supposed to take care of her if she’s gone.

When she started speaking to me like that I was beginning to think she might stay with me forever. I would have liked that. I want to take care of her.

I just don’t want her to leave.