A Lonely Night

Things have been a bit interesting for me lately. I’ve sort of integrated into a new group of friends. I’ve had a lot of knew experiences. And I’ve been much happier overall. I haven’t had a bad day in Weeks. Having friends in person actively supporting me, and trying to help me has been really great.

Although I’m about to go out of town for the weekend and everyone seems to have gone out to do things, and left me here alone. No one invited me along, and people barely talked to me all day. I’ve always felt like I was sort of observing the group from the outside – like I have a backstage pass to all their happenings but I’m not a full member. It’s nights like this that make me feel that way. Everyone took off except for one of the friends, but they sent a girl back to pick him up, so I’m the only one that got left out.

I’ve told that guy how I’ve felt. He said that I’m not and he sounded very convinced but there’s still always moments like this. Moments where, despite the fact that I live with them, that they go do things together without inviting me. It wouldn’t be so bad except that these five guys are my only close friends. They’ve become like my family and this is my home, but right now it’s a very empty one.

I wish I could spend time with my friends before I’m gone for a weekend. Even though that’s not a long time I’m still going to miss them a lot. I’m still working on my issue with getting dependent on people. I feel like I’ve made progress but moments like this still get me down. I really don’t like being alone. It was ok when I was alone most of the day but all day and all night is too lonely for me at this point.

 

Quick note to anyone who emailed me. Sorry for the late reply, I did just answer. Always feel free to email me again, everyone.

Personal Rant #2

I’m sick. I got a cold. It’s not fun. I’ve been just trying to fight the urge to throw up phlegm again. As my roommate told a mutual friend ours (or something similar to these words), “She’s sick. She fashioned a robe out of a blanket and says she might be a Sith Lord. She’s not sure.”

School’s done, and I’m glad to be in the middle of Retro Month. The rest of the month can be used to, first get over my cold while playing a couple arcade games(Burger Time/Paper Boy) and then filling out my resume, and trying to find work. Once I feel better it seems like I will have plenty of time for more gaming this month too.

I’ve been having a lot of fun with this retro month. I enjoy playing games and writing my thoughts about them. Even though I’m not really getting many views, I am probably going to do this again some time but with different themes.

I mentioned that kid who said he loves me last rant. He messaged me earlier this weekend and seemed sorry. I asked him what was wrong and he told me he had a girlfriend now. I was a little disappointed that I was so easily moved on from, especially after he told me he intended on waiting for me. To clarify, I am happy for him, and am glad he’s moving on, and I hadn’t ever planned on dating him, which I’m sure he knew, but I was still a little surprised. I guess it feels really nice to be wanted, it gives me that extra little bit of confidence, especially when no one usually wants me.

For completely different reasons, I’ve been feeling really lonely lately…

That’s it, I guess – nothing else to say about that.

Random Story

I was browsing the internet on one of my many attempts to find transgender people online in my area. I ended up at the page of someone who goes to my school. I can’t know for sure but I got the indication that the person is transgender(possibly a crossdresser or drag queen). I messaged the person a few days ago but they haven’t responded. I keep checking for a response. I have looked at the little icon that signifies a message many, many times. I almost cried when I found this person (actually I did a little). As it becomes more and more likely that the person will not respond, I feel a great loss. I feel like I ruined the only opportunity I have had to meet a new person who might be trans also.

This makes me think that maybe there are more trans people in this city than I thought but I have no idea how to find them. I almost want to pin a transgender pride flag on my body and hope they find me. The sad truth is that even if I knew how to find anyone I’d be too shy to talk to them. I am terrified of people. I almost had a panic attack sending that one online message to a single person.

Very few people see these posts, but just in case, to any transgender people in the RGV: I’m alone.