The past few months

I am 27 years old. I do not have my life together. I just graduated 3 months ago and I’ve already almost been homeless twice since then. The only reason I have not been is because of the charity of others. Right now I’m sitting in a spare bedroom at a relative’s house.

When I arrived I was completely exhausted and really needed time to heal. I had just been forced out of an abusive relationship by forces beyond my control. I had been living in a hotel for quite a while before, never knowing if I’d find enough money to keep my stay there for an extra week. I didn’t get to rest. I had to start working right away to make late payments and buy things I needed. I still have not been able to refill my hormones and I am running out soon but don’t have enough to order more.

It has been 3 weeks since I’ve gotten here and things have finally started to slow down and I have been able to think about my life in the longer term. I only now, after all this time have started getting plans.

I’m trying really hard to figure out my life but I feel completely lost. It is really difficult living only because others let you. I feel like I’m a complete loser. I’m a burden on everyone I know. because of that I never quite feel at home anywhere I go. I don’t fully feel welcome here but I don’t have a home to return to.

I also had to leave all my friends behind when I left Brownsville. And even though I get to spend time with my cousin, I still miss home. The dorms were the closest thing I ever had to a real home and to a family and now it’s gone and I can never return.

Honestly, I really wish I knew how to be an adult. I’m so scared and lost right now.

35 responses to “The past few months

  1. My situation was different but I can relate to the feelings you express. Just keep on looking forward, don’t look back, and believe in yourself. There will come a time when all of this is a distant memory. I wish you all the very best. And just for the record, I’m not sure anyone ever works out how to be an adult, I think they just get better at pretending.

      • Don’t compare yourself to people that may not have faced the challenges you have, or may have more support than you have. In the end you will be stronger than those that have had it easier. Do set some goals though, realistic ones, including the steps you have to take along the way. You will feel better as you tick these things off. We tend to forget or dismiss the achievements we have already made, so write it where you can look at it and remind yourself of just how much you have done 🙂 I’ll help you start, just based on your post: 1) Graduated (woo hoo!) 2) Left abusive relationship (deserve more than that) 3) …

  2. Hi there, I’m an occasional lurker on your blog. The bit about the dorms and family really resonated with me and right now my jersey from my dorm is still my favorite shirt. The sadness about leaving the only place that felt like home does dull with time. Don’t feel bad about not having a life plan just yet, lots of people have trouble finding a job straight out of college so you’re definitely not alone on that front!

    Take the opportunity to relax and get yourself back together and then take charge of your life. I think you’ve been through a lot already and you’ll get through this too =)

  3. I agree with the others– no one really knows how to be an adult. You just slowly get better and better at acting like it. Heck, I’m 31 with a baby and I still feel like a doofy kid who’s just gotten a little better at not breaking shit. You will eventually figure things out. You don’t need to have everything figured out right away. It’s all just little steps forward until you eventually look back and see all the progress you’ve made.
    I certainly had NO idea what I was going to do with my life three months out of college. It took me at least three years to figure that out, and even now I’m not totally sure.

    I know you probably can’t see any way of getting out of this situation right now. it’s terrifying feeling trapped and alone, i know. but You won’t feel like a burden forever. As long as you keep working to improve yourself, things WILL slowly get better.

  4. *hugs tightly*

    I know how you feel. I was like that right before I joined the Marine Corps. In fact that is why I enlisted! Give it time and don’t give up!

  5. Hey Theresa, cheer up! You certainly won’t stay like this forever. I just looked at the post about your display with the oil pastel art, it was really nice; and i have the feeling you were kind of smiling on that photo, and happy, so that’s the impression i have of you!

    Also, i’m slowly coming out as a transgender person, and that’s thanks to reading experiences and getting in touch with people like you. So thank you! And remember you helped people like me for just existing. You’re awesome.

    About being an adult, i wish i never become one! And just fool people and life that i have become one, and tell the people i love who i really am.

    Wish the best for you, hugs ❤

  6. Hey Theresea,
    Just wanted to see how things are going with you. I hope you’re feeling a little better.

    Were you able to get your hormone pills on time (sorry if that’s too personal of a question).

    Have you had a chance to play any news games lately?

    • You happen to comment right after my ex just called so I’m pretty sad. Just got done doing a lot of crying and struggling not to harm myself again.

      My hormones came through a few days ago but I ended up going through withdraws for a while before they did.

      I’ve mostly been playing NBA Jam and Mario Kart 8. I got Killer is Dead as a present so I’m planning to review that for the blog. But I wanted my cousin’s opinion and he’s been really busy with his music stuff, and I’ve been working a part time job so it’ll be a few weeks before that happens.

      Austin is having a comic con in a month so I’ll be going to that. I’ll post pics if I get any.

      • So sorry to here about the call from the ex. Glad you’re okay– in that you didn’t hurt yourself, I mean. I’m sure you’re probably still a wreck emotionally.
        (Heh, sorry– hope that’s not weird. I tend to be a very huggy person in real life).

        But at least you’ve got people here who care and want to know how you’re doing.

        What is Killer is Dead, by the way? I haven’t been in the video game loop for a while. Most of what I play is indie stuff like Nightsky, Samorost or Windosil, or old classics from like the Journeyman Project or Realms of the Haunting.

        Speaking of old games– did you ever play Toejam and Earl for the Genesis? That was one of my favorite games. I’d be curious to see what you think of it if you ever did a review.

        And yes– Comic Con pictures would be awesome. Was there any particular event or person you’re going there specifically to see?

        • *hugs back* thanks.

          Toe Jam and Earl along with Altered Beast was my favorite Genesis game growing up.

          I was hoping to meet Tommy from power Rangers but I can’t afford the Meet and Greet since I had to pay for hormones twice (I messed up ordering the first time and they got eaten by the mail fairy, my mistake and I feel stupid about it).

          Killer is Dead is a game by Suda 51 and Grass Hopper Manufacture (makers of No More Heroes).

  7. Aaw, that sucks. Don’t worry– I once had to reorder a $60 bottle of ink for my business because I accidentally placed the order under a new address.

    How much is the Tommy meet-and-greet, anyway?

    And Altered Beast was awesome. I loved all the weird monsters. Like the floaty bubble-dragon boss. I also liked Golden Axe for the same reason. And the arcade D&D game, Shadows over Mystara.

    • It was 70 bucks. Not nearly as expensive as meeting the Doctor.

      I only played a bit of the arcade D&D game. There wasn’t one at my local arcade but I did find it once. Never did play Golden Axe.

      • Wow, that cel-shading on Killer is Dead is pretty neat. The hyper-stylized lanky figures kinda remind me of this old manga called Seraphic Feather.

        Also, on a kind of seperate note, did you hear that there’s a sitcom coming out staring transgender characters– bith transwomen and transmem–played by actual transgender people? It’s called The Switch, and It stars Julie Vuh, who seems like a pretty cool actress from what I’ve seen of her youtube videos.

  8. Yeah, those DC shows look pretty cool. I’m especially looking forward to Gotham. Weird as it may sound, I’m actually more interested in Batman’s supporting cast than Batman himself– so a Gotham city cop show without Batman sounds pretty cool. I hope they do what the Joker Blogs creators did, and just pepper the whole show with references to Bat-mythos. Maybe they’ll even have the Phantasm and Jack Ryder, like Joker Blogs does 😀

      • Constantine does look really cool. I never read the original Hellblazer comic it’s based on, but I always like the “person who is cynical and jaded about their incredible supernatural abilities” genre.
        Also, I like that they made Constsntine look like Sting, As he did in the comics. As opposed to the movie, where he looked like Keanu Reeves.

        • I actually really like the Kanu Reeves Constantine. I mean, just the character. The Movie itself was just OK. but I like the character choices they made with him. But I’m still looking forward to seeing a more accurate portrayal of the comic book version, and from what I’ve seen and read, this series looks like it’s going to be pretty accurate. I’ve never read Hellblazer though, so all I know about the character comes from Justice League Dark.

  9. So are you more of a DC woman than Marvel? I personally don’t read much of either of the big two, though I do prefer the Marvel movies more. Although that may change once I start watching these new DC TV shows….

    Most of my comic book reading is weird indie stuff like Spinerette, Rare Bit Fiends and Xenozoic Tales (which was made into a game for the old Sega CD called Cadillacs and Dinosaurs– don’t know if you ever played it, but it seems like something you would enjoy).

    • I tend to read more DC stuff yeah. Batgirl and Wonder Woman are my favorites. I also like Rocket Girl and Lazarus (both Image). and I’ve been reading Young Avengers and Hawkeye (Marvel). So, I have a bit of everything. Although overall, I tend to favor DC. I’m a big fan of the Bat Family in general. Robin and Batgirl especially (except Damien).

      • I like Robin and Batgirl a lot, too. They help soften Batman’s edge. Make him more human and relatable. A lot of people don’t like them– Robin, especially– for that very reason. But I enjoy them. Kind of wish the Nolan movies had included Robin.

        • Yeah, that’s about why I like them too. They’re like tiny batman’s with more personality. I just wish there was a canon girl Robin. I think all the girl Robins are unofficial now. I like female superheros. Especially since I’m a trans woman, I’ve always admired female superheroes because they can be who I wish I was in many different ways.

  10. Is Stephanie Brown no longer a canonical Robin? I’m not sure what is and isn’t canon anymore with this new 52 thing.
    Also, do you know about Alysia Yeoh, Barbara Gordon’s roommate who is transgender?

    • If I’m not mistaken, she isn’t canonically a Robin since the New 52. Not 100% on that though.

      I do know about Barbara’s trans roommie. That’s actually the first issue of New 52 Batgirl that I read.

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