Dorm Life and Video Games

Personal Stuff:

It almost feels like a completely different life. It’s not very different but it does feel it. It’s a different kind of lonely. I’m not falling asleep on a cramped couch because beds are too empty anymore. Now I sleep in a small-ish bed. Sometimes someone else sleeps in the bed three feet away. I still sit at my computer and hide away only now sometimes there’s people around to talk to.  But I still end up crying with no one noticing.

University itself is a little different. In art I sit at a table with a guy and a girl who I talk to. No one else does that. We just like to talk while we work. It’s nice. Unfortunately the girl is the only one that calls me ‘she’ in the whole class. I found out that she didn’t realize I was transgender right away. I think it was until I mentioned it  which is nice that I passed for that long even working in the same class as someone.

I also met a guy while I was wearing a skirt and then talked about being transgender in response to a question about why I was living in the dorm instead of at home. And then he asked me what pronouns I like. Not in those exact words, but that was the general question. No one had ever done that before. It was really nice of him. Most people just assume I am a guy but he got it, and asked.

It’s weird having a roommate that I’m not super close to. The last two roommates I had I shared a bed with, and etc.  But my new roommie isn’t that kind of roommate and it’s weird. We do talk. And I really really like him. I don’t know the odds but I got really lucky with roommate selection. I could have been in a room with someone who was mean or unaccepting or messy, but instead I got the opposite. He’s nice, and friendly, and he’s accepting of pretty much everything. I wish we could be closer than we are.

But of course I don’t have any close friends. I have classroom acquaintances. And even one girl I met up with for a movie once (and only once). But no close friends. No one to hold me when I’m sad. Or even talk to when I’m upset. Out of 4 people sharing my kitchen/living room, I’m the only one without anything to do on a Friday night.

Video Games:

Unfortunately, I’ve got no money for new video games so my Pokemon obsession intensifies. I really like X. I haven’t enjoyed a Pokemon game this much since Red. I’ve found so many new Pokemon that I like and have never heard of. Like Gardevoir and Honedge/Doublade/Aegislash.

I tried Breeding Pokemon but I discovered that breeding for competitive play is definitely not for me. I was breeding Ralts so I could try to get a shiny Gardevoir (Yes, I know the odds). But then in my third batch of eggs I discovered a Ralts with the Nature ‘Lonely’. I felt so bad that I stopped breeding. I could not release that many Ralts like they were unwanted. I gave that Lonely Ralts a Pokedoll so he won’t be as lonely and I trained him and evolved him into a Gallade. He’s going to help me catch Legendaries. I trained him along side a Jigglypuff (also for catching Legendaries) and his brother who evolved into a Gardevoir.

If any of my readers have been playing Pokemon X/Y, please tell me about your experiences. Or your team or something. I want to know if anyone is still listening.

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6 responses to “Dorm Life and Video Games

  1. Good to hear that at least some things are going well.

    I’ve been playing a lot of X myself. I don’t get into the competitive scene much, though it’s mostly a matter of patience. IV values are difficult to get right. I build semi-competitive teams though, sometimes. One I’m working on now I have dubbed “Team Frustration.” It basically involves defensive and stall-out pokemon, used with no real offensive plan save for a really mean Togekiss build. (Using Serene grace and king’s rock, Togekiss can make air slash have a %70 chance of flinching.) Also working on getting set up to do the shiny breeding method. Haven’t decided what I want to shoot for yet.

    • That sounds cool. I’d love to fight against Team Frustration. I don’t have anything properly trained at all. The closest I have is an Aegislash that manages to do OK in battles. Too bad my internet doesn’t work with the 3DS or I’d challenge you to a battle.

  2. I’ve only read a few of your posts. I’m hoping in the time since you’ve written, at least the ones I’ve read, that you are MUCH happier, more comfortable, are going out on Friday nights and have someone to hold you when you are sad. As human beings, we all deserve this.

    I’m a mother and I only recently found out my son is transgender. I asked him to start therapy for depression and anxiety, not because he’s (he hasn’t asked me to call him she yet and hasn’t told me what name he’s chosen even tho I asked if I shouldnot call him by his given name any longer) trans. I’m sad to “lose” my son, but thrilled to have a daughter. Im welling up in tears right now thinking about how awful life must have been having to hide (he hasn’t officially come out; his brother and I are the only ones who know rn and are utterly and completely accepting of it), and also how hard his life could possibly continue to be. He, too, is lonely. He has 2 friends from when he was 2-3 years old, but they don’t see each all that much, once or twice a month. He has one friend from online school. He has some friends from online. He, too, has said he just wishes he had someone to hold him when he’s sad. I feel sad for him that he doesn’t get to experience high school, etc like other girls do. I feel sad at how different he must feel, how he feels like an outsider, how he feels he can’t be himself. I don’t pity him (or you or other trans peopke), I just have an aching empathy for you. I only say empathy because I’ve felt all the things you/my son have felt, but for different reasons. I was severely abused in every way you can think of and felt different, like an outsider, etc. So that’s where my empathy comes from.

    My son has always played video games and usually had female avatars; this is how I found your blog. Thank you for sharing your personal struggles in an honest straightforward way. I’m probably going to share this with my son.

    • I can’t say for sure if I’m happier yet or not. I’m at least more comfortable with myself. I’m still struggling to find my place. I don’t go out on Friday nights. I rush home to my computer because that’s where my friends are, still scattered across the country. There is one guy who sometimes holds me but he’s a few towns over so since my ex left me, things have been a little lonely.

      Your daughter is lucky to have such an accepting Mom. I can tell you that it’s going to make all the difference. My family hasn’t always been as accepting as I hoped they would be. I’m glad you’re doing what you can to help.

      • Thank you so much for responding 🙂

        If you struggle with depression, I’m sure you know, there are fantastic services on campus free of charge. My older son has an anxiety disorder (genetic? Environmental? Maybe a little of both?). He graduated last year with a master’s in literature/creative writing. All thru college he used the mental health services available. They really helped therapeutically and with meds. Hes been on fluoxetine (prozac) for about 7 years. He literally has zero symptoms of his disorder.

        I know it’s completely different for you, but if it helps at all, I think these days anyone who is shy or feels socially awkward finds that it’s easier to make friends online. There’s alot of pros with the internet being so prevalent in our lives, but I think it hinders everyone, from every walk of life, socially. People build themselves up to be what they wish they were (Ala Facebook) or are able to unleash deep dark ugly parts of their personalities/hearts (Ala Twitter). 20 years ago, trans kids/teens would never have been able to connect with other trans kids/teens; instead they suffered in silence with their “secret”, with absolutely no one to talk to. There are so many support groups online for kids/teens (eating disorders, domestic abuse, cancer, addiction, mental health, etc) when not very long ago there was no help or comfort or a feeling of not being alone in these areas.

        I’m sorry to hear your family hasn’t always been as accepting as you’d hoped. For as accepting as I am, I worry it will be the opposite with his dad and that side of the family. Like I said tho, this is the type of sh!t I wish he didn’t have to deal with. He didn’t ask to be born or born into the wrong body. Just like I didn’t ask to be born or born into a familial hell with no support. But because I adore him, even more so since I found out, if that’s possible, I will defend and support him with all that I have.

        You don’t have to respond, but I’d like to ask:
        Do you have siblings?
        Are they more accepting than your parents, aunts, uncles etc?
        How old were you when you came out?
        How much ignorance, bullying, hate do you come across in college?
        Is it way less than h.s.?

        If it’s too personal, I understand completely 🙂

        Lastly, but most importantly, take care of yourself, surround yourself with people who love you, people that treasure who you are, that admire your skills and abilities, that admire your strength, people you feel safe with, people you can laugh with, and cry with. Hold your head up high, know your worth and don’t let anybody ever let you feel less than that.

        • Unfortunately I wrote this post a semester before I graduated. I got my BA in sociology so there’s no more free services for me to get. I did try them though. I think there’s a post around here somewhere about how badly that went when I tried to discuss trans things with the councilors.

          I do have an older brother. He is definitely more accepting than my parents. I also have a cousin about my age who I am fairly close with who is also very accepting. It’s very nice to have some people respect who I am.

          I think I was 25 when I came out. I didn’t fully understand what I was feeling when I was in highschool. I think that’s one of the problems a lot of people run into. There’s so much preventing us from discovering who we really are until we’re older. That leads to some problems.

          I encountered no bullying in college. Since I wasn’t out in highschool I also encountered no bullying then either. Plus for unrelated reasons, people in my highschool were afraid of me.

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