It was two or three days before I asked her to move in with me but around five before she actually did and in that time we had discussed what would happen, and where we would go. I let her choose whether or not to move to Brownsville, and she chose to because she wanted to move somewhere soon and it was quicker.
She had told me exactly what she wanted me to do for her before she even came over. She told me she wanted to sleep in my arms so I had a pillow right beside mine when she arrived. She told me I would need to hug her often because she hadn’t gotten many so I hugged her the moment I had her in my room, and many times since.
After she arrived, we talked for a while, mostly about her trip and the mutual friend that introduced us. Then during a lull I moved beside her and put my arms around her. I barely let go of her for the next couple days. Both because she had asked me to, and because I needed the affection too.
She was tired so we went almost straight to bed and fell asleep not long after. We slept a lot those first two days. Her more than me, but I didn’t want to leave her so I neglected everything I could have been doing to hold her in my arms while she slept and she would row over and I’d kiss her cheek and she’d smile.
We got along really well really fast and things were affectionate from the beginning. I started to care for her quickly. I wanted her to be stay with me, and be more than just my roommate, but she didn’t want that and to this day, I think she is still planning to move away from me some day. But for now, I’m trying to enjoy what time I do have.
We both have our problems. She gets depressed, as I do, at times. And sometimes she shuts me out. Unfortunately, my issues make me needy for attention and affection. That’s a tough combination. My crying makes her want to hide which makes me cry more. And I think anyone who has read my blog knows how often I cry.
Several things have made me cry recently. I cried on her our first day here because I was afraid of hurting her, because I was afraid that she would hurt me (by leaving) and because I was afraid that I was no good for her. Even with those reasons, I cry less with her here. She’s actually been good for me, even if she thinks she hasn’t.
It’s hard to really describe our relationship. She says she doesn’t know how to and doesn’t want to be in a committed relationship. She also says that we are, “more than friends” and that we have a “dysfunctional relationship” and she even once called herself my partner, though as part of a weird joke, and later evaded the question when I asked about it.
I can surely agree with all of that. Our relationship does feel like more than friends, and she is kind of my partner, even if she runs away from the subject at times. I could kind of agree with the dysfunctional, except, it works for us. If it’s dysfunctional, it’s dysfunctional in a completely functional way, if that’s even possible. I don’t think this relationship could work with everyone, but it works for us.
And now here we are. I am now in a non-committed, undefined, more-than-friends and possibly dysfunctional relationship. But it works for us and I like it.