Because it’s Good for Me

      I am a super shy person. I know I’ve written it here before. I recently skipped a few classes because my professor kept breaking us up into groups and I kept ending up in the middle of the room by myself, often trying to hide my tears. The thought of interacting with people scared me so much that I’d start to cry on the way to class and kept making up excuses for not going.

      Even more recently I had to do a presentation. I was shaking and seeing my legal name up on the projector didn’t make me feel any better. I managed to say a few things and hold in the tears long enough to finish the presentation and run out of the class when I was done.

      There is a friend who is concerned for me. She knows that I have very few friends and that I depend on her too much. I’ve made an effort to reach out to other people and stop depending so much on her.

      Because I thought it would be good for me I have extended an invitation to visit me to an online friend who has only known me as Theresa. I don’t know if they will do it, and the invitation isn’t for another several months. It’s my first effort to try to be more comfortable with myself. Even if they never visit me, Making that effort and facing the prospect of it I think will be and is good for my emotional well being.

      Today, for the first time ever, I allowed a different friend, who also has only known me as Theresa, to hear my voice over the internet. I was scared. Part of me is afraid that when people see me or hear my voice they will stop viewing me as a woman, so I hide behind my computer monitor and I never let anyone know who I was or what I look like. But I decided to let someone in. I trust them. And it wasn’t so bad. They heard my voice and we talked and it was over and I’m glad I did it. The person is kind and made me feel good about my voice.

      It was hard but I am making these efforts because they are good for me.

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6 responses to “Because it’s Good for Me

  1. I don’t want to assume I know how you feel, but I feel like I can say i’m in the same boat as you are. In fact, you’re better off than I am.

    I’ve always been shy to the point where it’s a strenuous physical effort to even produce words when i’m addressed by anyone, teacher or student. It got so bad that I dropped out of college completely on my first semester because I couldn’t stand the feeling of any of it; whether that was group exercises which always left me by myself, or even something as simple as raising my hand when I know the answer to a question. Being an object of attention has always made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, to the point of tears. Obviously, my social circle doesn’t extend beyond my only best friend.

    Even though (I assume) i’m younger than you, being only 19: I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s at least some other person who can relate to you. Keep at it, girl.

  2. I can empathize with you as I’m starting my transition to full time this summer (hopefully) and will be presenting as female for the fall semester. I worry about having to give my senior research presentation because of my voice. Any tips you can provide for maintaining a feminine voice while speaking to an audience? Either way, I’m happy you could open up to someone and come out of your shell. 🙂

  3. I have had similar experiences. Being thrown into groups with strangers for a class felt awkward and I would clam up. I feared returning to any class that engaged in social interactions with strangers. Even with games, I can’t recall ever getting on mic during my time in an mmo or anything. Saying that I was shy would be quite an understatement.
    However, I have found that the more comfortable I became with myself the more I didn’t mind interactions with strangers. I should mention that I am a MtF transgirl who is currently working towards fulltime status; also an avid gamer. To help myself get over my shy and socialy awkward feelings I decided to take it head on and just face my fears. Currently I’m out to my family, friends and co-workers. My boss has no problem with me showing up to work being comfortable (ie. girlmode) and I talk to customers all day, eventually all that awkward muck just goes away.
    If someone told me a year ago I would be where I am today in my transition I wouldn’t believe them, no way. If I had to put it in terms of video games (since I’m a nerd like that) put in the time, gain some experience. Eventually you’ll have higher levels of confidence and be that much closer to becoming epic.

  4. Like many other aspects of our journey into womanhood the process of socialization as our true selves can be very difficult and stressful. Also like those other parts of our transformation they are temporary, painful but necessary waypoints.

    Sister, never forget that you are not alone in this journey, there are many others that are making their way through this jungle called gender transition. By reaching out and helping one another we can all make it safely to the place where we can truly be us.

    Very best wishes to you.

    Lynda

  5. Hi Theresa! Just came by to say that you have friendlies out here on the internet with similar problems. Trust that everything will work out fine. Remember that you are not alone. If you are ever feeling down and don’t want to bother your friends for some reason or you just need someone not judgmental who can relate to you, feel free to write. I’ll do my best to be there for you.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Janice

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