New Boots

This week I went shopping with my girlfriend and for the first time it wasn’t a horribly isolating and depressing experience. That was because we weren’t there for me. My girlfriend had spotted a pair of boots that she wanted to buy and she brought me with her to pick them up. She tried them on but wasn’t convinced she liked them. I didn’t think they were that great. While she was trying them on I spotted two pairs of boots and two pairs of heels that I liked. She asked for my opinion on the boots and I told her they were “alright.” She didn’t take them. She was starting to look around. Then I made a mistake.

“Why don’t you take something like this,” I said, pointing out one of the two pairs of boots I liked. She tried them on and liked them so she bought them. I felt a little sad. I couldn’t afford the boots. Even if I could afford the boots she wouldn’t let me wear them when we are together which wouldn’t be so big a problem except we are always together. It was fine though, I was happy she found a pair of boots she liked and even proud that she took my opinion into consideration.

When we got home she got to try on the boots and walk around with them to make sure she still liked them. Then she got to show them off to her friends. That’s when I started to feel robbed. I did the leg work. I found the boots. My girlfriend got to buy them and wear them. She got to model them for her friends. I didn’t get to do any of that. All because I am not viewed as a woman by them. Not that I believe shopping or trying on clothes is inherent or exclusive to women. I know plenty of men who shop as much or more than some women I know. But who would let me model a new pair of boots for them or any clothes meant for women.

“Why would they want to know about that?” my girlfriend said to me one day making it clear that everyone we had told disliked the fact that I am trans. I have been robbed of an experience that I am forced to watch my girlfriend enjoy and all because to most people, I am a man. I am not, though. I am a woman, even if no one can see it.

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6 responses to “New Boots

  1. I don’t know how you survive such emotional agony. First of all, lack of acceptance amongst peers is very upsetting. Second of all, having to hide yourself as a result of this lack of self-acceptance is not a way a person can handle living. And third of all, your closest relationship is with a girl who doesn’t accept your real self.

    Once again, I really really want to recommend going for therapy. It did wonders for me and my wife, and we’ve each been seeing people for three years. You should look for someone who incorporates the humanistic approach because then their focus won’t be just on intellectual analyzing. Rather, they believe healing comes through the acceptance of their client and the intimate relationship between client and therapist. That’s what my therapist uses and I feel like he’s a father, a mentor, and a best friend all in one. I’m worried for you and I really think therapy is important.

    • I don’t have to hide myself due to a lack of self-acceptance, I am in the closet because my girlfriend doesn’t want people to know but I understand what you are saying.

      You may be happy to know that a friend recently convinced me to go see someone. I figured I would start off with my University’s LGBT counselor since it’s free. If that doesn’t work, I think there is one Therapist in the valley that has some experience with Transgender people. I have made my first appointment with the school’s counselor. It’s in about a week.

  2. I hope you finally got to wear those boots. Also, since it’s been about two years since this post, do you feel any more comfortable picking out clothes nowadays?

    • I think I did get to, a bit. I am more comfortable shopping, but it’s still awkward. I have trouble figuring out what I want to wear. I order stuff online a lot, since I never have a car or anyone to go shopping with. And now that I wear exclusively female clothes, I’ve worn a lot of stuff out in public that I wouldn’t have gotten to before. Like skirts, booties, dresses, etc.

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