Sometimes, I Don’t Like the Way She Treats Me

… Or, “I don’t like the way she treats me, sometimes.”

I am in that state in my relationship and transition where I am trying to negotiate with my needs and my partner’s needs to try to find some middle ground where the relationship can survive but both our needs are met. I’m sure many have been here and there are many success stories and many break ups, so I won’t go into much detail. She doesn’t want to be dating a trans woman but she doesn’t want to break up. I can do or dress however I want as long as I keep it away from her. This is among the reasons why I have been living most of my time as Male even though I am trans and Identify as a woman.

I recently asked her to take me shopping for only the third or fourth time. I need to go with her because I don’t feel comfortable looking at female clothes without a person who is perceived as a woman around. I would take a friend but I have exactly one real friend in town and he is male and doesn’t know I’m trans, yet.

I was excited. I was looking for a new jacket for the upcoming winter season and some jeans to go with a pair booties I had recently purchased. So I was on my way to buy clothes that she wouldn’t let me wear in front of her. We had just entered the store when she started acting differently. She kept walking away from me while we were trying to look at clothes. She kept her back to me nearly the entire time. Every time I tried to get near her she would walk away faster. She hardly said anything. I wasn’t really able to look at the clothes because I spent the entire time trying to walk beside her and she spent the entire time trying to get away from me.

This wasn’t the first time it has happened either. While shopping before she always tries to distance herself from me. She often refuses to hold my hand or even stand next to me. Which both makes me feel isolated but also kind of negates one of the main purposes of having her there with me. This usually ends with me upset and discouraged from ever going shopping again (though I usually go back after a while) and I often end up just ordering things online.

(In case you are curious, I ended up ordering a pair of jeans of the internet but because the sizing system was confusing I ordered two sizes too large. The second order fit well. I’m still waiting on the jacket. It should be here fairly soon)


2 responses to “Sometimes, I Don’t Like the Way She Treats Me

  1. That sounds really hard. I feel so bad for you. I hope you find friends who can really be a support for you in the future. Is there any chance you could ever move to a bigger city where you can find others on the same wavelength as you? I’m sure places like New York City are more diverse and more open-minded as well as having like-minded social networks that you could be a part of.

    • Actually, yes. I’m planning on moving to Austin as soon as I graduate. Hopefully to work on a masters at UT. That will be in about a year. It’s not as big as New York but I should still be able to find support there. If nothing else, at least I have some family there I can count on.

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