The past few months

I am 27 years old. I do not have my life together. I just graduated 3 months ago and I’ve already almost been homeless twice since then. The only reason I have not been is because of the charity of others. Right now I’m sitting in a spare bedroom at a relative’s house.

When I arrived I was completely exhausted and really needed time to heal. I had just been forced out of an abusive relationship by forces beyond my control. I had been living in a hotel for quite a while before, never knowing if I’d find enough money to keep my stay there for an extra week. I didn’t get to rest. I had to start working right away to make late payments and buy things I needed. I still have not been able to refill my hormones and I am running out soon but don’t have enough to order more.

It has been 3 weeks since I’ve gotten here and things have finally started to slow down and I have been able to think about my life in the longer term. I only now, after all this time have started getting plans.

I’m trying really hard to figure out my life but I feel completely lost. It is really difficult living only because others let you. I feel like I’m a complete loser. I’m a burden on everyone I know. because of that I never quite feel at home anywhere I go. I don’t fully feel welcome here but I don’t have a home to return to.

I also had to leave all my friends behind when I left Brownsville. And even though I get to spend time with my cousin, I still miss home. The dorms were the closest thing I ever had to a real home and to a family and now it’s gone and I can never return.

Honestly, I really wish I knew how to be an adult. I’m so scared and lost right now.

Shadowrun (plus personal update)

Things aren’t as desperate as they were last time I posted but not incredibly better so I could still use any commissions I can get, either art or writing. If anyone wants to hire me just email or Skype me.

After months of owning it, I finally got a chance to sit down and relax with some Shadowrun Returns. I finished it today and I have to say I am not at all disappointed. Playing a Decker actually wasn’t as fun as I thought it would be. There was only one moment in the game that I enjoyed doing a matrix run and it was partly because I had a team in a fire fight behind my deckers with my men protecting us while we hacked. The story was pretty enjoyable and reminded me a lot of the Genesis Shadowrun (kinda).

Character customization was at about what you’d want as far as stats but if you don’t build a character for combat, then boss battles get a little rough. I decided to ultimately focus on Body, Quickness, Intelligence and Charisma as my stats. And Pistols and decking being my primary skills. I like the talking options that extra charisma gets you, so I usually max that out in games that have it or something like it as an option.

I would definitely recommend Shadowrun Returns for any fans of Shadowrun and anyone looking for a fun turn-based strategy RPG type game.

Need Help

Hey, Readers. Sorry for not being around lately. I haven’t had much to write and I’ve just been struggling with the stress of the end of a school year and a lot of personal drama and problems. I’m not sure if I’ve said this but I did graduate this semester. And now I’m unfortunately trying to raise money so myself and another trans girl don’t become homeless.

I’m taking on art and writing commissions if anyone wants to hire me.

I want to do either simpler art pieces or graffiti art. (samplesample)

I don’t have any writing samples other than this blog.

Comment or contact me via email or skype (listed on my website) if you  want to commission me.

Or if you want to donate my paypal is: osmicow@hotmail.com

 

Transgender Art

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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I submitted a piece to be displayed in my school’s Juried Student Show, and it was actually selected. It’s an Oil Pastel nude of a trans woman. This is a picture of me in front of it during the opening night for the show.

It was an amazing experience to have a piece in a show.  I didn’t think I would be selected but it was. I got to see how many paintings were submitted and it was a lot of stuff.

I think that is also the first time I’ve shared a photograph of me on this blog.

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A Lonely Night

Things have been a bit interesting for me lately. I’ve sort of integrated into a new group of friends. I’ve had a lot of knew experiences. And I’ve been much happier overall. I haven’t had a bad day in Weeks. Having friends in person actively supporting me, and trying to help me has been really great.

Although I’m about to go out of town for the weekend and everyone seems to have gone out to do things, and left me here alone. No one invited me along, and people barely talked to me all day. I’ve always felt like I was sort of observing the group from the outside – like I have a backstage pass to all their happenings but I’m not a full member. It’s nights like this that make me feel that way. Everyone took off except for one of the friends, but they sent a girl back to pick him up, so I’m the only one that got left out.

I’ve told that guy how I’ve felt. He said that I’m not and he sounded very convinced but there’s still always moments like this. Moments where, despite the fact that I live with them, that they go do things together without inviting me. It wouldn’t be so bad except that these five guys are my only close friends. They’ve become like my family and this is my home, but right now it’s a very empty one.

I wish I could spend time with my friends before I’m gone for a weekend. Even though that’s not a long time I’m still going to miss them a lot. I’m still working on my issue with getting dependent on people. I feel like I’ve made progress but moments like this still get me down. I really don’t like being alone. It was ok when I was alone most of the day but all day and all night is too lonely for me at this point.

 

Quick note to anyone who emailed me. Sorry for the late reply, I did just answer. Always feel free to email me again, everyone.

Hello Readers

If anyone is still following my blog, I just want to say Merry Christmas, Happy Yule, and Happy New year.

My semester ended and I’ve just been enjoying some time off. The end of the semester was pretty rough but I managed an A in Art and a C in ASL which is good enough to let me get into my final set of classes. Which means, other than some financial problems, I am all set to graduate in the Spring.

During my break I’ve just been relaxing and playing games. Been in a Mega Man mood lately. Mega Man X and 3 are the games I’ve been playing from that series. I tried out some of Wii Sports Club and it’s pretty fun, just like Wii Sports was. Also thinking about Castlevania lately. Last time I had a vacation I beat Rondo of Blood for the first time. Wishing I could do something like that again.

So, Thanks readers. Feel free to leave a comment, I like receiving comments. Tell me about your christmas, or your favorite MM/Castlevania games

Dorm Life and Video Games

Personal Stuff:

It almost feels like a completely different life. It’s not very different but it does feel it. It’s a different kind of lonely. I’m not falling asleep on a cramped couch because beds are too empty anymore. Now I sleep in a small-ish bed. Sometimes someone else sleeps in the bed three feet away. I still sit at my computer and hide away only now sometimes there’s people around to talk to.  But I still end up crying with no one noticing.

University itself is a little different. In art I sit at a table with a guy and a girl who I talk to. No one else does that. We just like to talk while we work. It’s nice. Unfortunately the girl is the only one that calls me ‘she’ in the whole class. I found out that she didn’t realize I was transgender right away. I think it was until I mentioned it  which is nice that I passed for that long even working in the same class as someone.

I also met a guy while I was wearing a skirt and then talked about being transgender in response to a question about why I was living in the dorm instead of at home. And then he asked me what pronouns I like. Not in those exact words, but that was the general question. No one had ever done that before. It was really nice of him. Most people just assume I am a guy but he got it, and asked.

It’s weird having a roommate that I’m not super close to. The last two roommates I had I shared a bed with, and etc.  But my new roommie isn’t that kind of roommate and it’s weird. We do talk. And I really really like him. I don’t know the odds but I got really lucky with roommate selection. I could have been in a room with someone who was mean or unaccepting or messy, but instead I got the opposite. He’s nice, and friendly, and he’s accepting of pretty much everything. I wish we could be closer than we are.

But of course I don’t have any close friends. I have classroom acquaintances. And even one girl I met up with for a movie once (and only once). But no close friends. No one to hold me when I’m sad. Or even talk to when I’m upset. Out of 4 people sharing my kitchen/living room, I’m the only one without anything to do on a Friday night.

Video Games:

Unfortunately, I’ve got no money for new video games so my Pokemon obsession intensifies. I really like X. I haven’t enjoyed a Pokemon game this much since Red. I’ve found so many new Pokemon that I like and have never heard of. Like Gardevoir and Honedge/Doublade/Aegislash.

I tried Breeding Pokemon but I discovered that breeding for competitive play is definitely not for me. I was breeding Ralts so I could try to get a shiny Gardevoir (Yes, I know the odds). But then in my third batch of eggs I discovered a Ralts with the Nature ‘Lonely’. I felt so bad that I stopped breeding. I could not release that many Ralts like they were unwanted. I gave that Lonely Ralts a Pokedoll so he won’t be as lonely and I trained him and evolved him into a Gallade. He’s going to help me catch Legendaries. I trained him along side a Jigglypuff (also for catching Legendaries) and his brother who evolved into a Gardevoir.

If any of my readers have been playing Pokemon X/Y, please tell me about your experiences. Or your team or something. I want to know if anyone is still listening.